This was a very Split Eight verse. I didn't like most of the first half. It was too fractured and clustered and didn't seem completely in place or at all attempting to connect with the audience. I've read every Harry Potter book twice and have no idea what "Hermione shoes" means. I'm very familiar with John Watson but don't know how his name could be used as a verb. Does "whitening jeans at the fray" mean the jeans are light around the fray or does it mean someone is actually whitening the jeans, as it's written?
The second half, where you shifted to focusing on the relationship between our two characters and used photograph as a thread to tie together your fragments, was much better. It was no less abstract or fragmented or Split Eight-y, but it felt more part of a whole and more carefully worded.
The last two lines were a bit more on the nose than the rest of the verse, but I liked that.
__________________
I'm just swinging swords strictly based on keyboards, unbalanced like elephants and ants on seesaws.
|