Quote:
pretty sure that i love you. but i know that it hurts
rose out of concrete, rougher than diamonds, gold in the dirt
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I like that you lay out a thesis statement right away. This wasn't exceptional, but the point of the verse is crystalized. If you don't like this content, don't keep reading.
Quote:
over subway grates, windswept, the flow of your skirt
had me rotary, circular, stuck. rolling inert
nobody's first. i guess nobody wins, nobody's wrong
you'll never even know that i wrote you a song
fuck. i've written you dozens
notepad of assonances filled with assumptions
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The way you word things drips of emotion and makes the cadence and delivery you're going for so obvious. I don't know any other text rapper who makes rapping his words so easy for the reader. This is tremendous. The "nobody" line had a lot of straightforward frustration in it.
Quote:
over analytic discussion, droning, like an idiot. substance
dependent, sinister soul. shadow puppeteering cryptic baroque
paper pioneering the boat. Aaliyah kissing me slow
mellow synthesis, prose is prozac. but my symptoms are few
are far between like full eclipses at noon
scented perfume. it all seems so egocentric, it's true
but i promise, evermore, raven, this is for you.
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You shift gears here into something more abstract, wittier and more verbose, but you do it well. I didn't love "symptoms are few." Other than that, this was good. The wordplay was good.
Quote:
give me youth. it's the finer things i'm saving to buy
that have me feeling paranoid & hateful inside
be that close to the ledge. let your sentiments fly
cliffside is where your earnest femininity shines
all wax poetic aside. take that step. leftist or right
winged warrior, airborne like breathable lies
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I wasn't as crazy about this section, but it was good. I appreciate the skill displayed here.
Quote:
goretex and maker's mark. the seasonal grind
the TV says it's freezing. let the people decide
balancing romantic with a need to survive
thought you wanted a bond. you had a needle in mind
puzzled like broken china, force the pieces to fit
bat an eyelash and i'll lease you a whip.
jesus, it's sick
adulthood's a trip. i remember being seven and six
envisioning shit, suicide before i'd ever been kissed
reoccurrence persisted. viva la venereal cysts
your lips burn like kerosene, we melt. candlesticks
in the fireplace, ashes, bloody ashes we fade
another Encyclopedia Dramatica page
jottings cinquains on parchment and graves, walking away
long past my parliament phase. black tar coughing decay
i wanted to stay. truly, i did. i wasn't confused
just afraid to take a leap. i couldn't stomach the view
i love you more than life. that was always the truth
but it was either live in solitude, or suffer with you..
i'd rather burn than choke.
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I loved the ending. I don't know why other people didn't. This entire section was just ridiculous. This might be my favorite section of writing I've read on this site.