NYC: powerful. vocabulary for the sake of vocabulary was a little obnoxious and distracting in the beginning. we all know what you can do, but save it for when it's appropriate. sometimes you don't need to use the complicated word to get the message across, and often times it's actually less effective than the more common phrase / adjective / etc. i was disappointed in the character's decision at the end (not yours as a writer - i was invested in the character. this is a good thing!), though the "swerve" was a little obvious.. it still gave me some feels. i would have liked a little more transition time between successful business man and distraught minority murderer. i get that he snapped, but give it some background besides he liked che and his dad was unhappy with the direction his son's life took. great verse.
breathless: i agree with certain.. the lines were a lot longer than they had to be, to the point where it interrupted the flow. coupling that with experimental rhyme schemes that missed more than they landed really hurt your verse. i thought the middle was the strongest here. the precursor was a little long and not very influential to the overall story arc, could have probably skipped it altogether. the ending was very convoluted in order to get to that conclusion. i also didn't like being sucked out of a dramatic story with phrases like "oh shit moment" - casual language is fine in the right context, here it was totally out of place. you need some serious work on your dialog as well. study frank's work closely and see how he goes about providing natural language despite being in rhyme form. you have what it takes to stick around here and i hope to see you improve and persevere in season 3.
v/ nyc
__________________
|