[PancakeBrah]

NYC:

Dope, my vote for verse of the week. The rhythm was perfect throughout this thing, I didn't slip up once in my read through. I thought the use of lengthy vocabulary was fine; you didn't overload on it instead you used it here and there and it worked. The descriptions were also on point; you didn't waste a lot of time but what you said painted a picture. The rhymes were complex and the content was top notch. You told a story with a twist but the point of the verse wasn't the plot but rather the inner machinations and motivations of your lead which were drawn well. Well done.

breathless:

This was solid. I enjoyed your set up and felt that you had some interesting schemes sprinkled throughout your verse. I particularly liked how you started your third verse by rhyming with the last line of the second, it helped with momentum and was unexpected considering you had set the precedent previously of creating new schemes at a verse break. My main problem stems from the club owner's role in the plot. You spent the majority of this verse as a sort of character sketch of which I was interested in. Then you introduce a second important character 3/4's of the way through and finish the verse off by having him marry Helen. It was all a bit jarring to me. I think you either had to keep the verse entirely about Helen, ending with a point/message, or introduce Tom earlier and give the reader some give and take and stake in the proceedings.

Good match up but NYC dropped a gem in my opinion. breathless had a good thing going but kind of lost me with his final direction. Still an enjoyable read.

v/NYC