[PancakeBrah]

I have to say, doing the Admin/Mod drop for verses in a topical league is offputting to me.

Moment of Clarity.

Mike Wrecka:

I didn't like the concept. I remember reading a previous verse from you based on Jack and Jill. The difference between that piece and this, though, is that you made the Jack and Jill story your own with a left field take on it. This was just a retelling without much flair. I thought the wording was a bit clunky in a few spots (I can expand further if you care) and the rhymes/schemes were pretty standard. This was a solid effort and I was interested in reading it to see how you'd flip it but in the end it was all a bit lackluster for me. The last couple lines where you tied in the topic was pretty good but didn't save the verse for me.

Diode:

Pretty good. You finished stronger than you started which is unusual for topicals/open mics in my experience. You had some tricks with your schemes here and there that were nice but on the other hand your rhyme wording was off at other spots, mostly towards the beginning. This type of story has been done before so it's all in the telling and I think you had a nice balance of reality/grit and levity. These two sections in particular

"keeping all of this in mind makes the mission that much sweeter
though i know better than to revel in that joy (as a sharia believer)..
yet the captain calls me coarsely, for this manner, matter-of-fact
to certify certain committment, the fatwa's intent to act

this fast pass is first class amidst a manifest unseeming
my erst glance catches the pilot as he confers the flight's proceedings
and as we assess altimeters which confirm we've reached the ceiling
allahu akbar! fills the cabin, then a struggle, then some bleeding"

were well paced without a single slip up in terms of rhythm or wording. Your ending was good for the piece. Overall this was a pretty cohesive effort that picked up steam as it went. Reading through your verse again I think you write better during action as opposed to exposition. As soon as the piece dove into the actual act and you were describing the situation instead of setting it up it became more interesting. Then again this is just one piece so who knows but going forward I would advise writing in that tone for success.

Pretty good match here. I think Mike left a little bit of creativity on the table. Skill wise I think you both are pretty close but Diode got it this time around. Look forward to more from each in the future.

v/Diode