Thread: Cyclical
View Single Post
Old 12-09-2013, 04:04 PM   #2
Zen
Arm the Homeless
 
Zen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 4,102
Battle Record: 22-24


Champed
- Art of Writing League

Rep Power: 35079722
Zen has a brilliant futureZen has a brilliant futureZen has a brilliant futureZen has a brilliant futureZen has a brilliant futureZen has a brilliant futureZen has a brilliant futureZen has a brilliant futureZen has a brilliant futureZen has a brilliant futureZen has a brilliant future
Default

First off, I liked it but there were a few lines I would reword. For example, the second line of this you said, "romance or of love". And that works with keeping the syllable count together, but repeating "or of" kinda comes off as awkward to me. Maybe that's just my accent though.
As far as content goes, I loved the character development, but to be honest I didn't really feel anything towards the character. So by the end of this I just was a little dissatisfied.

Those are the negatives to me, but this showcased excellent rhyming ability and word usage. I've read some of your shit in the AOWL and enjoyed it. Sorry if I came off as a negative prick because that wasn't my intention. Keep writing man.
Zen is offline   Reply With Quote