Patrown created a good little extended metaphor thing, comparing the individual to a tree. It was supported by good choice of language. E.g., "branching off" + "a sprout in" + " around my foundation" + "dwelling" - the deliberate language choice connected to an overall theme is very effective and good technique.
MikeWrecka, enjoyed it heaps, reading all the online contests and this submission from you is my favorite. Liked it on two levels. Firstly, as a descriptive piece of storytelling, good job focusing on details to create a moment - E.g., "but then I see a drawing of our house in crayon."Secondly, as a comment on the systemic nature of family relationships, what happens when an enmeshed family unit meets a challenge. There are themes of resilience, coping with changed environment and the 'separate worlds'/boundaries of the parental systems world and the sibling/children systems world and even the grandparents world. All the different systems of relationships and their interaction and reaction to the event. Can't express how stylistically mature and sophisticated this short submission was with all the underlying themes a reader can gather from it. If only one criticism, perhaps you would not agree, but personally would have left the reason for the family change in environment not directly expressed. E.g., " we are being forcibly thrown, right into the street" + "in debt" + "so I have to work two jobs", makes it clear financial difficulties, I would have left it out, because there was such a strong themes with the different systems of relationship, creating any focus directly on the eviction as a bad event, perhaps lessens the strength of the other more interesting parts. Voted for MikeWrecka.
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