Netcees - View Single Post - Week 9 - ZYG (1-2) vs. Mordycai (1-0) - ZYG WINS 8-0

e11even · 11-23-2013, 04:44 AM

ZYG- The start of this was very literal, very plain. As I read into the body of the first stanza, it became stiff and robotic, making dialogue inclusion really unnatural and awkward tbh. THen came this meaningful transition:

You are probably right, but just to be sure let us consult the first three judges we find in the wild.“
“Only because I am so just.” The octopus agreed, a bargain was struck, a deal created.
The woman and the octopus would go out and find three judges to adjudicate it.

Then this read like an intricate joke. I feel that if you had done that type of twist along with how you wrote it, it would have added that extra zing, but I thought this was pretty cool, despite it feeling a little devoid of sincere emotion. I think you intentionally embrace the "emotionless" trait your peers gave you too willingly and too often. For me it kills the piece. Embrace excitement and the spectrum of other human characterizations of feeling dammit!

Mordycai- This verse felt like a very fresh perspective to me. This wasn't executed extremely well, but it created an atmosphere that I can appreciate for it not being brought on particularly by the "topic". That aside, I feel this was like watching a not-so-funny episode of Seinfeld. This was a heart-shaped verse about an exercise in semantics. Cool attempt, but I think more stylized or (at least) more interesting dialogue should have been included, possibly tying the pic into it (metaphorically?) for some extra kudos? Good shit though. Just practice the art of storytelling. You're already a natural at casual interaction through dialogue.

Overall, this was a sorta dull match for me. I feel like a lot of potential showed up, only a fraction of it being realized. Maybe time was a factor? I don't know. I just know that both of you guys presented promising premises that didn't quite deliver 100% in my book. I did, however, dig ZYG's production better than I dug Cai's. Good job guys, in what I would assume was you guys trying something new, and I hope you both show up next week. MVGT ZYG.

11-23-2013, 04:44 AM	#8
e11even V.V Join Date: Sep 2013 Location: . Posts: 2,076 Battle Record: 31-20 Rep Power: 6247259	ZYG- The start of this was very literal, very plain. As I read into the body of the first stanza, it became stiff and robotic, making dialogue inclusion really unnatural and awkward tbh. THen came this meaningful transition: You are probably right, but just to be sure let us consult the first three judges we find in the wild.“ “Only because I am so just.” The octopus agreed, a bargain was struck, a deal created. The woman and the octopus would go out and find three judges to adjudicate it. Then this read like an intricate joke. I feel that if you had done that type of twist along with how you wrote it, it would have added that extra zing, but I thought this was pretty cool, despite it feeling a little devoid of sincere emotion. I think you intentionally embrace the "emotionless" trait your peers gave you too willingly and too often. For me it kills the piece. Embrace excitement and the spectrum of other human characterizations of feeling dammit! Mordycai- This verse felt like a very fresh perspective to me. This wasn't executed extremely well, but it created an atmosphere that I can appreciate for it not being brought on particularly by the "topic". That aside, I feel this was like watching a not-so-funny episode of Seinfeld. This was a heart-shaped verse about an exercise in semantics. Cool attempt, but I think more stylized or (at least) more interesting dialogue should have been included, possibly tying the pic into it (metaphorically?) for some extra kudos? Good shit though. Just practice the art of storytelling. You're already a natural at casual interaction through dialogue. Overall, this was a sorta dull match for me. I feel like a lot of potential showed up, only a fraction of it being realized. Maybe time was a factor? I don't know. I just know that both of you guys presented promising premises that didn't quite deliver 100% in my book. I did, however, dig ZYG's production better than I dug Cai's. Good job guys, in what I would assume was you guys trying something new, and I hope you both show up next week. MVGT ZYG. __________________ Ahem.