Netcees - View Single Post - WK2: c.d.m. (0-1) VS. Rawn MacDon (0-1) [RAWN MACDON WINS, 6-4.]

Aesthetic · 02-24-2013, 02:23 PM

C.D.M

This is the first time I have seen your work so dont overvalue any of my critique.

Act I

-You come right off the bat with the subject matter and practically the story summed up; Which is definite and assuring when it comes too storytelling. The major problem though, it feels like I have heard this story before. Very basic plot, no climax, and the ending to the verse was way too unfinished for me.

What I didn't like

-See back then it wasn’t lies, it was fun.
The enterprise of his young mind only just begun

It's kind of hard too picture an every day hell transforming instantaneously into an ecstatic representation of his emotional creationism.

-They never asked what it was like for his head to have hats as a nemesis???

I cant tell the point of emphasising 'nemesis???' It seems like you insinuated a joke, or enjoyed your own play-on words. I dont know, but I couldn't really appreciate this bar; It's just a reference of past pretence with a little brightside, I cant really touch it. You should ask yourself why you wrote that and delve on it.

What I liked

-He removed his broken heart and hid it in a cocoon,
Then watched it heal as the butterflies flittered in full bloom

Very abstract, and lively; This also sets up the rest of the piece so its really a key too the feel of the song.

Act II

-Really love the intro, it shows how creation can take the best of us in a sense of egotism. But you lost it after that chuck norris shit, I dont give a fuck about chuck norris lol and on top of that, you would have too make a pretty fucking dope joke to outkast him with a character like yours.

What I didn't like

-Just ask him, trust me, he propels it
Rawns a rockstar: buys it, snorts it, sells it.

Since when was he a drug user? I mean in reality his backround would expect it, but you never mentioned when he tried it and just threw it in there arbitrarily; try too stay topical!

-And that only a blooming onion gon save him when there’s rent due
He is He-man, Bat man, and the whole A-team mixed in with Sun Tzu

If this is for a development of ego, then im impressed.(i critique as I read through the piece, just finished it. Yeah im impressed with the build-up for the ending.)

-Cuz shit, your IQ is like four digits: 4 thousand 8 hundred and seventy three
Rawn telling everyone he was locked up, and this testifies he’s an O.G.

Arbitrary and even controversal, you should have setup his intelligence in Act I rather then midway through the story.

What I liked

I didnt really appreciate too much in the second act, it was all really repetative and random. It feels like you had so much thought too put into this but kind of mashed it togethor or rushed through it rather then taking your time and aknowledging every letter.

Act III

Very good ending man, I feel like everyone has lied to themselves at 1 point in there life so it's almost relatable to everyone; The last bar was what made the piece "The real moral is egotistic bluffers are only real in a land that’s imaginary" I was hoping for a dope ending and you delivered it. Summed the story up, basic, subtle, powerful and revealing!

Rawn MacDon

I like how you describe the mans pain right off the bat, it sets an eerie feel that's complimented by his ego; Your wording is more then exceptional its definite.

What I didn't like

-horse hooves for glue; bristles from their mares, tails n tweed

So it's an old paintbrush?

-before his lower paralysis, the infestations, his rage

You really should have addressed this more directly, I cant tell if the picture was him as a boy or if it's reprecussion, or a egotistical self hate?

What I liked

-rejuvenated, awakened. Fresh blood feeds mosquitoes

-he painted his last masterpiece; his eulogy, his dreaming praise:

I especially liked the "Leaving...Away" It was abstact but noticable.

Summary:

I dont like how limited your references are; You need too address the underlying subject matter and specify certain bars that pertain to events or other lines. Your imagery was spectacular though.

Im giving the vote too C.D.M

He had a deeper storyline that was straight and on point. It also seems like he put a lot more thought into it, which usually means there is a lot more meaning behind the eyes.

02-24-2013, 02:23 PM	#14
Aesthetic Pimp Join Date: Feb 2013 Location: N/W Posts: 1,068 Battle Record: 1-12 Rep Power: 0	C.D.M This is the first time I have seen your work so dont overvalue any of my critique. Act I -You come right off the bat with the subject matter and practically the story summed up; Which is definite and assuring when it comes too storytelling. The major problem though, it feels like I have heard this story before. Very basic plot, no climax, and the ending to the verse was way too unfinished for me. What I didn't like -See back then it wasn’t lies, it was fun. The enterprise of his young mind only just begun It's kind of hard too picture an every day hell transforming instantaneously into an ecstatic representation of his emotional creationism. -They never asked what it was like for his head to have hats as a nemesis??? I cant tell the point of emphasising 'nemesis???' It seems like you insinuated a joke, or enjoyed your own play-on words. I dont know, but I couldn't really appreciate this bar; It's just a reference of past pretence with a little brightside, I cant really touch it. You should ask yourself why you wrote that and delve on it. What I liked -He removed his broken heart and hid it in a cocoon, Then watched it heal as the butterflies flittered in full bloom Very abstract, and lively; This also sets up the rest of the piece so its really a key too the feel of the song. Act II -Really love the intro, it shows how creation can take the best of us in a sense of egotism. But you lost it after that chuck norris shit, I dont give a fuck about chuck norris lol and on top of that, you would have too make a pretty fucking dope joke to outkast him with a character like yours. What I didn't like -Just ask him, trust me, he propels it Rawns a rockstar: buys it, snorts it, sells it. Since when was he a drug user? I mean in reality his backround would expect it, but you never mentioned when he tried it and just threw it in there arbitrarily; try too stay topical! -And that only a blooming onion gon save him when there’s rent due He is He-man, Bat man, and the whole A-team mixed in with Sun Tzu If this is for a development of ego, then im impressed.(i critique as I read through the piece, just finished it. Yeah im impressed with the build-up for the ending.) -Cuz shit, your IQ is like four digits: 4 thousand 8 hundred and seventy three Rawn telling everyone he was locked up, and this testifies he’s an O.G. Arbitrary and even controversal, you should have setup his intelligence in Act I rather then midway through the story. What I liked I didnt really appreciate too much in the second act, it was all really repetative and random. It feels like you had so much thought too put into this but kind of mashed it togethor or rushed through it rather then taking your time and aknowledging every letter. Act III Very good ending man, I feel like everyone has lied to themselves at 1 point in there life so it's almost relatable to everyone; The last bar was what made the piece "The real moral is egotistic bluffers are only real in a land that’s imaginary" I was hoping for a dope ending and you delivered it. Summed the story up, basic, subtle, powerful and revealing! Rawn MacDon I like how you describe the mans pain right off the bat, it sets an eerie feel that's complimented by his ego; Your wording is more then exceptional its definite. What I didn't like -horse hooves for glue; bristles from their mares, tails n tweed So it's an old paintbrush? -before his lower paralysis, the infestations, his rage You really should have addressed this more directly, I cant tell if the picture was him as a boy or if it's reprecussion, or a egotistical self hate? What I liked -rejuvenated, awakened. Fresh blood feeds mosquitoes -he painted his last masterpiece; his eulogy, his dreaming praise: I especially liked the "Leaving...Away" It was abstact but noticable. Summary: I dont like how limited your references are; You need too address the underlying subject matter and specify certain bars that pertain to events or other lines. Your imagery was spectacular though. Im giving the vote too C.D.M He had a deeper storyline that was straight and on point. It also seems like he put a lot more thought into it, which usually means there is a lot more meaning behind the eyes.