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Old 11-15-2013, 12:28 AM   #6
zygote
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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For YDK, enjoyed the symbolic language in the ending section, linking the like-to-like objects. E.g., sun-moon-world-stars-sky. That is a good touch. The simplified rhyme scheme is also effective in this instance, it gave the whole writing a kind of 'sincere' feel to it. Also, the beginning line "Damn ya gotta forgive me" contributes to this effect. The writing tone had a rawness quality. I am sure the lines like " Im thankful for wat I've got." were intentional, especially considering the content as well. If anything it may be missing some other aspect to make it more interesting. Perhaps including a small suggestion or some line indicating that this father may have some other qualities would have been good. E.g., "Aaliyah I love you and Robby you make me so proud,
I'll make a promise to you both right now, I'll always be around."
Perhaps it was not what you were aiming for but I would have thought about including the words "from now on" like "I'll make a promise to you both right now, from now on I'll always be around." Or something else like that just to give it an extra-dimension.

For King-Ra, there are some interesting references to the classic songs. Splitting it into three sections was also a natural and effective decision. The repeated section was nice, and stylistic features like font etc is a good extra too. Some good rhyme schemes too, and similar positives as YDK your rhyme scheme matched nicely with your theme. Highlight was the writing tone and energy enthused into the different phrases. Voting for King Ra.
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