View Single Post
Old 02-22-2013, 09:14 PM   #7
zygote
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 501
Battle Record: 33-12

Accomplishments
- OM HOF (2x)

Champed
- Art of Writing League (3x)

Rep Power: 737828
zygote has a brilliant futurezygote has a brilliant futurezygote has a brilliant futurezygote has a brilliant futurezygote has a brilliant futurezygote has a brilliant futurezygote has a brilliant futurezygote has a brilliant futurezygote has a brilliant futurezygote has a brilliant futurezygote has a brilliant future
Default

Coup started well but lost direction, and Malachi's ending was a let down. The "it was all a dream" kind of ending was disappointing but maybe it works because of the humor. Although, the punchline at the end did feel like it came from nowhere. Perhaps, your writing could have been strengthened if you had more clarity. E.g., the line "The female woman face had no detail women." is hard to understand.

Coup it was great how you kept the religious metaphors throughout, my only criticism is some lines seemed like they were thrown in E.g., "A microphone explodes, no trump silences what is sown..." did not see how it fit in with the rest of the writing. Voted for Coup.
zygote is offline