[zygote]

SUBCONSCIOUS REGRET MANIFEST AS A PHYSICAL EXPERIENCE.

'Psychodynamics views the subconscious mind as the underlying motivation for human behavior.
This hidden mind can be visualized as if it were the large area of the iceberg that is below the waters surface.
Often these latent fears and desires can manifest through symbolic dreams.'

The bushland crackles.
Sitting at this desk with pen and a coffee,
Reminiscing softly. Sweat stings my eyes,
looking out through this open window, I miss it.
So I distract myself with these different hobbies,
but nothing compares. Sharp, shallow breathing as I struggle for air.
Fixed with a despondent stare.
I’ve forgotten things about you, but not enough yet.
I remember every second of our traumatic event.
Each glimpse of the past. I want to forget.
It’s not possible. How many times must I repent?
Our story seems apocryphal.
I wish it was.
I lean back in my seat and turn to watch the wall as I rest the back of my hand across my skull,
and just recall everything I still can. I hope we can manage,
these memories are stored like so much emotional baggage.
I think if I reconstruct it enough I can alter what happened.
My throat is too dry and too raw to talk out loud,
so I write things down to fill the gaps between each prolonged and silent sound.
Besides the scars on my lungs and the orange sky, the only constant is this ringing in my ears,
and this burning, inescapable and complete sense of despair.
Every doctor, diagnosis, every message of care, is nothing compared to my own self when aware.
My family told me I’m different now and that my personalities changed,
That I don’t show emotions, that I’m cold and that I’m no longer acting the same.
I’m sorry my brothers but I don’t remember those days,
I don’t understand how I’m supposed to behave.