Netcees - View Single Post - Week 7 - Title Match - Mr. J (5-1) vs. Frank (4-2) - FRANK WINS 8-2

patrown · 11-10-2013, 11:40 PM

mr. j - i took the whole piece as .. dissapproving reality. in a way. "this is it.. huh?" almost as if you portayed the sasquatch as human fault personified. my favorite lines..

sincerity provided with it's own clarity
not fully understanding actions severity
thinking...is this where we share the dream?
searching for a conversation in parity
sweat, tears, battling insularity
mistaken..mistook my form of rarity
walked away and then buried it carefully...

just feel like your flow was executed perfectly here and that set also seemed to embody your underlying tone very well. honestly, i would have liked your syllable count to have been bumped up 3-5 per bar. it would not have hurt you at all... and in the end, i did feel like i wanted more. that's never a bad thing, but here.. i either missed something or wasn't satisifed. good piece though. missing something i can't quite discern.

frank - enjoyed everything. rainbow trout are pretty good - but you exploited that fish's name for your advantage perfectly here. really enjoyed that for some reason.
favorite lines..

It’s not getting cold enough to kill the beetle who survives the winters milder temperatures due to the weather change.
The size of a grain of rice, embeds itself with jowls of feathered fangs.
Filled with glycol, a natural anti-freeze – it leaves a blue telling stain

also enjoy how you carried the rhyme from everglades to skeletals frame. i didn't notice it until i went back and tried to see why it sounded so pleasant. well, that didn't hurt at all. i can say that much with confidence. but how you ENDED? what? this feels "present." as if i could taste it's meaning. but i don't know what it is. great fucking story. wonderful imagery. great use of long syllable counts.. you said a lot, and said it well. where you ended? i don't know. sometimes leaving them wanting more isn't an attribute. but here, it was executed perfectly. great piece.

/v frank - i have to say - this really was a great display of different approaches and think mr. j could have taken this easily with some development. j's piece said more with less, but frank's undertones had a feeling of finality that j's twist didn't quite measure up to in the end. great battle though. thanks to both.

11-10-2013, 11:40 PM	#11
patrown ‹^›ô¿ô‹^› Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 596 Battle Record: 13-19 Rep Power: 0	mr. j - i took the whole piece as .. dissapproving reality. in a way. "this is it.. huh?" almost as if you portayed the sasquatch as human fault personified. my favorite lines.. sincerity provided with it's own clarity not fully understanding actions severity thinking...is this where we share the dream? searching for a conversation in parity sweat, tears, battling insularity mistaken..mistook my form of rarity walked away and then buried it carefully... just feel like your flow was executed perfectly here and that set also seemed to embody your underlying tone very well. honestly, i would have liked your syllable count to have been bumped up 3-5 per bar. it would not have hurt you at all... and in the end, i did feel like i wanted more. that's never a bad thing, but here.. i either missed something or wasn't satisifed. good piece though. missing something i can't quite discern. frank - enjoyed everything. rainbow trout are pretty good - but you exploited that fish's name for your advantage perfectly here. really enjoyed that for some reason. favorite lines.. It’s not getting cold enough to kill the beetle who survives the winters milder temperatures due to the weather change. The size of a grain of rice, embeds itself with jowls of feathered fangs. Filled with glycol, a natural anti-freeze – it leaves a blue telling stain also enjoy how you carried the rhyme from everglades to skeletals frame. i didn't notice it until i went back and tried to see why it sounded so pleasant. well, that didn't hurt at all. i can say that much with confidence. but how you ENDED? what? this feels "present." as if i could taste it's meaning. but i don't know what it is. great fucking story. wonderful imagery. great use of long syllable counts.. you said a lot, and said it well. where you ended? i don't know. sometimes leaving them wanting more isn't an attribute. but here, it was executed perfectly. great piece. /v frank - i have to say - this really was a great display of different approaches and think mr. j could have taken this easily with some development. j's piece said more with less, but frank's undertones had a feeling of finality that j's twist didn't quite measure up to in the end. great battle though. thanks to both. Last edited by patrown; 11-10-2013 at 11:45 PM.