[Certain]

symetrik: The tie-ins to the seasons saved this verse from feeling too simplistic. But that feeling was still there because the story line was kept surprisingly surface-level. Perhaps you were worried after so many misinterpreted your last verse, but that subtlety was gone in this one, and I missed it. You still used strong imagery that kept things vivid and interesting. I liked the "mouth to the mouth-piece" line in the context of the rest of your verse. It fit. You tell your stories like a writer with more potential than you've shown here. It would be very interesting to see a fully invested verse.

ThisisDAM: I read a similar verse by Mr. J about an hour ago in the championship match, one that hinged on a big reveal at the end after a very vague and meandering verse. Like that one, I had a hard time getting into this verse. I found the big twist to be a bit implausible, and I don't know what "fauna" had to do with anything in your verse. You dug in too deep on your metaphor. I grasped your perspective early on, but the way you wrote made it sort of make half-sense as a straightforward (human) parent-children relationship and half-sense in the metaphorical sense. As a result, the entire read was awkward. The rhymes were a highlight, even though you did let them carry you a bit too much. You obviously are a good writer, and perhaps you're rusty at this point. But this verse was a bit uneasy for me because of the conflicting images. To properly execute a personification/twist verse, it should make complete sense when read before and after the big twist. Here, I don't think it made complete sense in either case.

Vote: symetrik