[PancakeBrah]

Best picture of the week. I want to marry the raven haired mistress spooling creativity out of her vice.

Certain-

You're opening four lines (after the 'spin' line which you used as foreshadowing/tone setting) were great. Perfect pitch, rhythm smooth and scenes painted. Who gives a fuck about on Oxford Comma? Anyways. In fact your first section is pretty flawless aside from 1) using names to match a multi and 2)the purposeful non-rhyme to end the section (edit-it was a rhyme, but a non inner-multi rhyme. Sorry I missed that. My general point still stands, it wasn't in the context of your scheme to that point). The use of names to make a rhyme is something I do but I don't enjoy it when I do it and I feel it's a cop out, especially in this instance where none of those names are characters. While I understand you didn't have them as characters for a reason; they're standard male names just used to reflect the fact she previously whored out, but still. The non-rhyme ending is also something I use on occasion, but this section was so perfectly wound that it felt a bit glaring in my read. I just wrote a lot of negative words for a section I thought was a definite strong suit, all apologies. I felt you started off extremely well. Understated and matter of fact. Moving on, the second section was strong as well, but not as much as the first. The first 3/4's of your opening lines were stellar. I didn't enjoy 'treating life secular'. Weird wording to me. "even his ring finger was preoccupied." was great, said a lot in an efficiency of words and fell in line with the tone. Loved it. The use of 'Jennifer,' as a writing device was interesting. I neither liked or disliked it. The use of 'awesome' was foreboding and well designed, hard word to place without being called out on it. Well done. Third section was transitional, and important to the overall piece. I felt it was a tad bit weaker than the other two sections in terms of writing but the ending two lines were well written with a nice rhythm. The beginning of your fourth section was choice. Described the rock bottom being delivered and the subsequent numbness in a well painted scene and description. From there on to the end of the fourth section, though, seemed a bit perfunctory. I think you stuck the landing with your post script, and keyed the entire tone of verse well. There was no twist, this was a characterization+story acting on the harshness and usually barren loneliness of life. A reality check verse, nestled in the mundane. This wasn't so much about an abortion but rather trying to change, failing, and realizing the person you wanted to change is probably the person you are, so deal with that. I enjoyed it thoroughly.

Your wording and thought are your strong suits. I will say, though, that I think when you keep a rhyme scheme for longer periods you read better than when you change up every couple of lines. Your runs of thought are so strong but when I have to adjust to a new scheme every couple of bars it takes the focus away from your strengths, which is the content between rhymes.

Adonis-

I thought this was good. Your wording issues were ironed out, for the most part, and I liked the route you chose for your topic. It's a route that has been done hundreds of times before (I'm in love with a strippperrr) but you knew that and focused on the details and emotions, which made it unique and personable enough to not make it tired. I think this is probably the best verse I've read by you in the league; concise, to the point, but purposeful, with your best wording/rhythm yet. With that said, although you didn't have the usual 50/50 lapse of wording I've found in previous pieces you did have some weak points. 'Thundering stress' and 'humbled and vexed' did not do it for me at all.

Overall this was a good to great battle. I think Adonis dropped a verse that would beat 75% of verses this week, but everything I enjoyed about his verse Certain did 10% better. Both wrote well and I enjoyed this battle in heaps.

v/Certain


edit- both of you took a route i didn't expect. the verve is the coloration and what it means. so many possible paths to that. it took me a minute to even realize the dance implication.