[Scripter]

I think if you just took a little more time with what you wrote you would have solid bars. If you are just starting out it sounds pretty good. You just have to put everything you have into it, the best pieces come from your heart and soul put more thought into it.

For example
"When other emcees see me their eyes fill with fear,
Listen up everyone, I'm not just another Poetry.
I'm the modern day shakespeare,"

here you could of said something like "Listen up everyone, I'm not just another smoe with average flow"
Keep writing!