Easier contest to compare because both wrote in similar fictional storytelling styles. YDK some highlights: The third paragraph was excellent, every line was necessary and contributed greatly. Perhaps you could have omitted this section "A weak base meant the speech faced criticism and backlash,
And with a cynical take on the rap he decides to trash that.
Scratch it and step back,
Let the piece lead him to where his pens at.
Started as a love story; ended as a brag track.
"...the fags wack!"
Is all he can finish with as he sees a verse that he laughs at."
I feel like omitting that section would have strengthened the overall story considerably.
Frank, good character development especially with the dialogue sections. You have a good control of creating the mental image by appealing to different stereotypes. E.g., "Poppa Chris, alcoholic – though they forced him to quit;
He’d just mumble & wave the cane that supported his limp
If I had a quarter for every unfortunate loss he would get
I could call the border of Georgia without it costing collect"
Perhaps the only criticism, is there are too many characters and too wide of a timeline. The parts that seemed most effective where the individual sections, it maybe would have been more defective to expand on one individual section rather than try to present such a wide ranging effort. Voted for YDK.
|