[Split]

Symetrik.

Great command of tone. "schlepping home." You paint character idiosyncrasies very well, maybe something you should focus on. I think your schemes and rhyming mechanics are a weak point, nothing really read like "whoa that was cool." I guess I'm hesitant to say flow or multis or whatever because truthfully its kind of corny, but it is a facet of this type of writing that makes it distant from poetry or prose.

The dampened knives line was a miss. Seemed forced and out of place.

I think the only thing missing was a gripping story or something/ anything to immerse the reader in your writing. Other than that you have a lot of potential to do well in this league.


TYSON.
it was pretty good writing. Couldnt tell a lot about the significance that the crash had or kf it was anything more than a near death experience that brought someone to their senses. Diddnt like the hands dragging down bit, unneeded symbolism.

You should definitely edit more, didnt get a couple lines.



V/ TYSON