[Split]

MikeWrecka

I took a similar cop out this week haha. It was actually a nice breath off fresh air, to write about something other than people. Im not sure how i feel about this verse... the beginning seemed to me like you were trying to write a different story altogether. I didnt like the direction you took, it seems you just turned a growing, innate sense of sadness into throwing away a pair of jeans you liked It was awkward for me. melodramatic i guess. It didnt come across as funny but rather anticlimactic.


Breathless

still really do not like your use of metaphors. the pawn one.

first off. You are picking a phrase that already has a connotation... like, if I call someone a pawn- especially in the context of the grand game of life or whatever, it's like saying that they're stuck at the bottom and shifted around by those with greater power than them and their class/ role puts them in the shit of lifes struggles.

And you are saying you are trying to be a pawn. but would rather find a different board. where in the context of your metaphor, you would still be a pawn. which you want to be.

there is no outside context or emotion to frame that, so idk.

In your first verse, you say you've set the bar low. Then you say what the stars have shown for you is sparse goals. You assign your troubles to both fate and your own lack of motivation within the span of four lines, without elaborating on either.

The over the top underachiever verse was by far the worst. Or maybe the carve roads that bleed. Or maybe that the idea of crossing streets somehow relates to stains.


Idk bro. At this point, you are just crafting ideas for the sake of crafting them. It seems like you are either
1) trying really hard to carefully describe exactly what you or your narrator is feeling, without just telling us the story or delineating a change or relationship the reader should be aware of
2) trying to emulate depth

The main frustration with all that shit I just wrote is that I don't understand... and not a general hazy unawareness, but like. i do not understand a single thing about you or what you were trying to write after having read the story.

V/ Mike Wrecka