zenland:
favourite lines:
Quote:
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Spit flames - catch. Eat it. Half the features of Cain in a black hat;
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This piece was extremely weak, seemed to give it little thought, had potential for some good lines or ideas, but they fell through.
Adonis:
favourite lines:
Quote:
Endless scream's rejoiced,
Lungs labor each breathe in a gurgling noise,
"What you doing down here boy, the damn nerve,
Best pray to your god, cuz tonight your bed's the curb".
"I don't bang" as the metal sang a tune,
And I would have got away with it too,
If it weren't for you...
Meddling kids.
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Really good use of the "ending line", they way you simply re-arranged and made it fit much more nicely.
I wanted the "bed's the curb" line to flow more smoothly, needed an extra syllable or two in my mind, but again, just me.
Good storyline, no lines that stuck out super far but nothing under par either.
vote: adonis