[patrown]

adonis - you had a lot of good phrases here, i enjoyed the majority of your verse. i'll just be blunt. you take away from a great verses impact by starting out talking about attacking with poems, etc. where does that fit in with a person who can't hear the sun exploding? it doesn't. anyway. i like your concept here. it felt like you truly wanted to get a point across, the state of your characters hearing capability. two or three lines, perhaps that gave the character a name, could have helped us understand that at the beginning much more effectively and let the story progress unhindered. i had a vague feeling there's a meaning to this, but i can't settle on anything solid. had some good imagery,

No shrieking lungs gasping, only dried tears,
Rivers dissipate as bridges sit ablaze,
Crackling away the only paths to escape,

and..

Earth dies on the vine but the rose bloomed in sunshine,
I for one, thankful, what comes next, the fatal sunset,

and i just enjoyed how that last bar flowed. "the fatal sunset".. powerful words. sounds catchy too. i think some more imagery related to the apocalypse could have given you the victory this week. or more character development. good verse though. enjoyed it.

mike wrecka - solid story telling. you took the concept, explained it, stuck to it, did well with that, and then gave us a good twist. that's all i ask for, really. phrases like "over and over," "all so," "see they," are a part of your style, and i enjoy them while at the same time.. i know removing phrases like that during the editing process can be a factor in the equation of your verses effectiveness. but for now, i think it's working for you. i wasn't bothered by atop a mountain top. but this line bothered me..

this made some grab their hearts and just start screaming it out,

i think its the "and just" part of the line that got me the most. i think removing 'and just', and 'it,' would have made that sentence sound better. that's the only part of the verse i would have changed. the pieces entirety stuck to a tone that denounces materialism, that i couldn't ignore. although you didn't truly complete the metaphor, i like what you did this week.

/v mike wrecka - the whole verse came together in the end. very well. i don't feel like it needed any additional content, so i gave him the v. two great verses. very good battle.