[PancakeBrah]

YDK -

This piece didn't do much for me. The story has been done before and the message is cliched. You didn't bring enough innovation to make it interesting. The rhymes and imagery were unoriginal, aside from one or two spots. Most of the rhymes trended towards simply, and sometimes forced and simply. For a story like this you either need to take an interesting intellectual angle towards it or take the cliched and make it original again through great rhymes, rhythm, imagery, and flourishes of language. I thought you incorporated the topic well (I enjoyed the repeated use to set up and tie in the three verses) and I enjoyed the wording of this line

"Eyes staring at me as she took her last breath.
I ran from the scene drunk but I knew what I seen, fuck!"

but aside from that I was left wanting. Look forward to your next verse.

Zenland -

This was okay. A little short and rushed feeling, but decent. Your rhythm was strong as I usually find it to be and your schemes, if not a little weaker than the last two weeks, were good enough. I liked the misdirection. As I was reading this it felt much more foreboding than the result. It was a cute. A little underdeveloped, but readable.

v/Zenland