Zen-
This was about a girl, nervous for her prom date- but also I think you were alluding to the fact that she was sick from pregnancy? Kind of a cool concept and you could have done a lot with that as a starting point. Liked your rhyme schemes and the shortness of your rhymes, mostly cause you threw in a spot or two where you twisted them together
Usually your stuff is AAAAABBBBBBBCCCCC but here it was more like AABABBBBCBCDDDD etc which I think showcases a lot more skill as well as giving your rhyming a natural lilt
One thing I'd advise is, either dont make your end-rhymes come midsentence where there wouldn't be a pause because then you're just fuxking with structure to give the illusion of flow. In those places you can use repetition or compound sentences to work around weird transitions. OK verse but I didn't see much connection to the topic outside the redness of the rose, or what it signified..maybe reassurance that things would work out. both for the baby and her? I like that
YDK-
decent verse, too. Its very possible that something red light a stoplight, which signals like an absolute/ forbidden transgression, could haunt someone who truly fucked up like your main character.
Didn't like the awkwardness of the dialogue or some lines, could have been edited for smoothness. However the "stressful/ get you" part was a cool and uncommon rhyme.
Didn't like your end at all... such a basic resolution that didn't warrant so many words or really satisfy me as a reader... I feel like if you're gonna come to a simple conclusion you should focus on the eloquence/ elegance of your rhymes and building your characters in a more 3D sense.
Decent battle tho, props to both
V/ Zen
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