[Split]

happy 12 yrs frank! its been a year for me exactly last week sometime.


cool stuff. i'm a fan of your storytelling approach... like most of your stories incorporate supernatural elements or hyperbole or some device like that. its very American folklorey. your characters are always larger than life, but at the same time very down to earth in a motivational sense.

your main character strikes me as a variation of Aryll, your sister from the game WindWaker on GameCube. but less victimized and innocent.

I usually don't think you write your verses with a central theme or moral in mind, but more an observed shade of character or motif that everything revolve around. poetic in. a way.

Like here, you inverted the parental and child roles... usually, it is the parents whose actions and motives seem illogical, unfair, and without worry for the welfare of their children. But your main character is the one absorbed in her own ways, lost in a sense, on the tenacity of life and her duties to stay safe for the sake of her parents. When the seagulls save her from the sharks, it shows childlike inability in her parents to resolve their own conflicts, or deal with the harsh simplicity of living

i like this verse because it characterizes a wide spectrum of relationships in basic terms... the way that being "grown up" is an inaccessible quality that some seem to naturally possess and others struggle with. the superficiality of beauty. the shocking sublimity (in the old fashioned sense of the word) of death. the way the responsibilities of children to stay safe for the sake of their parents is just as deep as the responsibility of parents to stay safe for the well-being of their kids. the complex nature of innocence vs ignorance and why blame and rationalization are so human and flawed.


idk im kinda grasping at straws, because it isnt very clear to me what ur trying to show, but it feels like ur verse wants me to find one thing to frame the supernatural aspect of your story so it makes obvious sense.

that, and your choice of rhyme for the single dominant rhyme scheme were two things i didnt like about this story. looked like there were parts it really dominated and limited what you were trying to do.

also, your "castles in the sky" part was a cool off-branching of the symbolism of sand, but the symbolism of sand and the castles themselves seem non-existent or downplayed everywhere except the end

NOT SAYING THIS WAS AN EXCERPT FROM FRANKS PENTUPIAN TOPICAL VAULTS, SLIGHTLY MODIFIED TO FIT LEAGUE CRITERIA.

just thats how it felt to me completely and totally lolol

still a dope piece and story.
go read the Beat poets' off-kilter stuff.
keep keyin.