Lucifer - I think these four bars are your most solid.
Its a commonly known fact when your different your punked
While nobody sees his predicament's as big as it was
They had a miserable touch with words, but he prevailed
Sailed, and found out who he was cause he studied himself
.. your verses culmination. finding oneself, the crux of your characters experience. as far as the verse goes, in its entirety, you lack an underlying theme that could have given you some greater depth or entertainment value. for instance, i was searching for more of the music/orchestra = words theme. i enjoyed that here.. and wanted more of it.
Its like written music notes in the form of books
Swarms of hooks, lyrics, spirits in the storm afoot
Horns, accordians, a performance only war could match
He found a void, adapt, becoming poised with that
anyway, there were a few issues with grammar and punctuation. tense changes and "your" instead of "you're." that's not being considered in my vote, but it did affect my read. i know the type of character you're trying to portray. a couple of them actually. so you painted a real enough picture i can say this is a good topical. yet, i wanted something to happen as a result of his self understanding. and for the record, i have no idea what you mean by "he has employment with one." a bit off in the last two and vague for a concluding statement. good verse , lacked depth and polish.
/v Split Eight - ill get right into it.
Alexa... paper-rocked harmonica eyes,
Rough radiant slate, with lineal faults of glassy azure-
and we talked 'just' to listen to the laughter of words...
.. love how you worded those three. they stuck out in particular. set the mood, well.
then these two..
I never had noticed, everything changed in the suns many crests,
but nothing becomes something from which it doesn't begin.
profound. immense. gratifying. that's how i'd describe those two lines.
altogether, i enjoyed your brevity while going through the ages. skipping out on all of the hard times, just focusing on the two. as they must have simply enjoyed themselves, staring into eachothers eyes. and that's it. one thing i truly didn't understand is the "strangers" theme. i could try and come up with some bullshit, but i'll spare you. i just didn't get it. but everything else, i truly enjoyed. great story. very good rhymes. you stayed coherent throughout some long sets of assonance. synaptic erosion"" felt a bit forced, but it was only the huge syllable count. no complaints, still. i took this as a story of two friends who never took it to that next step, who's hearts belonged to eachother. very good stuff.
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