Lexicon picked up on the main critique here. It's slightly off-putting vocabulary. Not to say it is incorrect or bad, but the word choice is strange in many parts. E.g., the "taste it's gleam" and "reckoning raves" lines. Also maybe you misunderstood the word empathy, perhaps the word you were looking for was attention (the character doesn't care for aesthetics). These critiques aside it was good writing and you didn't go over the top with any dramatic story. Also, the characters inner turmoil was expressed well.
"I do have trouble with clarity in my verses, and in my regular writing i.e. essays and what not. It will be something that i will have to work on i guess. Maybe take a more simple descriptive route." Best recommendation for this is aim for conciseness. That's not to say don't lose your own style and turn of phrase, but use words that you know beforehand, why use a technical language when you can use a direct language.
|