[Frank]

topic: sun

zenland.
"The heat it exudes reaches the deepest tombs,
^baking imagery.
From the leaves in bloom, and even the moon.
At its peak at noon you can see it loom
Overhead, but it's leaving soon."
^worded it like a flying saucer
The knower said as he held his bleeding wound.
"The sun's caress has done its best
But I must confess it needs us too.
Its love's the chest we're breathing through.
What's wrong my student? You seem confused?"
^"whats wrong student" was nice progression but the scheme was sounding so good it was a shame you couldn't find another way to say it.
I couldn't answer, but I believe what he speaks is true.
"Master get on your feet we need to move."
^I like the progression and how "we need to move" ends the scheme.
We crawled from the oasis that provided us shade
And stepped into the violent rays of the sun's silent gaze.
"Student this is the worst time of day
^dope
To move, you must wait and listen to what I'm trying to say
Before my mind decays."
^/ablaze/decay/same shit
Just then he fell and dropped in the sand.
"Master you've got to stand!"
"I can not, but you can.
^here is an example of structure critique. if "but you can" is one line lower, on a separate it becomes that more powerful.
Never in our mind do we live to fall,
But the blessed will find the will to resolve.
For the cursed, the pressure of time will wither and dissolve.
I loathe the lies of those seldom prepared
^loath the lies, seldom, good vocabulary dating back to the first line, somewhat keeping with a theme.
That control minds with tales that scare;
The sinner's at fault, but the devil's everywhere."
He closed his eyes yet I still felt his stare.
The old man died as he exhaled the air
That built in his chest. Then I looked to the hill to the west
And saw the soldiers wielding a silver crest
Of the church instilled on their breast.
^good writing
"The old man is dead. Let's kill this pest!!"
^i didn't like pest - some more ancient slander would've done.
I tried to run but my bones were confined
To sit still right in the soldiers line...
But then the sun vanished
They were left frozen inside this moment in time
In their only home, the mind.
But The Knower had shown me the light.

The coldest of souls never grow old.
^uh.

pictured the scorpion king while reading this. this was very well written. you slowed down time here and really wrote something poignant this week. the imagery was outstanding and the flow of the story progressed at a novel like pace with a rapper like flow. only setback was the ending was a little lackluster losing steam towards the very end where a more over bearing moral light should of been shed.

King Ra
Ausar laid in pieces. Set's rage reached it's peak.
He glanced sharply at Auset then disappeared in a blink.
Summoned the darkness to spread Ausar's carcass
across every valley & creek. Auset forced to search
^"across every valley & creek" was brutal.
for her husband's remains as she silently weeped. After
thousands of miles & weeks, she gathered each and every
piece & with Anubis assistance bound Ausar back together.
Lo & behold: they resurrected the King!
^stylishly written.
It wasn't long until they consummated & Auset would concieve,
the Prince of the King, Heru, who sought the throne- which he later achieved.
and so it began,
^"and so it began" stands alone here.
primitive man's greatest fear was the darkness, Set's fumes.
A tomb for the dearly departed whom laid in Death's womb.
The thief's theme, a nights harvest. Discreet schemes that spell doom.
When the sun set, the dangers within roamed about under a crescent moon.
^building off imagery zenland came through with already. i like that.
It's hidden history (or not)- an ancient story of old.
Since the beginning of time, when many nations arose.
If you read between the lines all the lies will unfold,
the Truth will start to shine even if others oppose.
The salvation of mankind: the Sun rising above the horizon.
The Cosmic Lion, fiery mane vibrant, every man's soul ignited.
^cosmic lion fiery mane vibrant - electrifying depiction
Consciousness heightened, exuberant triumph like when the
Sun dies on the Cross.
It's a universal concept that was once known but is now literally taught. S'why the whole world is in zombie phase because the inner-G's lost.
But the awakenings fought, minds enlightened when infinity's sought.
Think of all the bloodshed that religious beliefs wrought,
when all the loves dead from the vicious deceit brought.
^i like the language of this, very noble

Heru is a symbol of the Divine, the Sun when it shines,
of a cosmic design, when the celestial bodies align.
It was always a sign-
metaphysical truth cloaked & meshed within hieroglyphic confines.
Only those initiated & wise could ever decode the message then rise.
Like the ascension of Christ who understood the absolute truth when all thought it was said done.
It's histories greatest story ever told: The Rise & Fall of the Sun.


"All hail Heru! Son of Ausar the King!
Prince! Peacemaker!
Ruler of the Day! Watcher of the Night!
Who lives Forever & Ever!
All hail Heru!"

Amen.
^good show.

i read somewhere someone predicted that the votes would read ''real close, but....''
and that is the case, zenland i think you might have tooken my advice. almost every line was captured stunningly - however the ending could've used a rewording. i enjoyed it though. good flow backed by some wonderful imagery. king ra, you read zenland's verse, huh? almost identical , but I guess the sun evokes these type of sand warrior stories. you did some research or had prior knowledge of god of sun heru who I haven't googled but i trust your word in that realm. You managed to write something epically stylish. and go above and beyond and for that you barely beat out zenland who didn't shine as bright in the closing moments, where as his opponent did. eclipsing his effort.

vote - king ra