[Frank]

topic: wind

I crept in with my own design, I flow as time
^great introduction, you crept in.
share an open mind with friend and foe alike
I bring what has been...when I expose the light
like...open blinds, I carry what most despise...
^"expose the light/open blinds" good imagery there.
destructive in my path, most are prone to fight
I've...broken lives and often bring hope to life
carrying a sense of reliance when you open wide
"open wide" gives a good sense of stillness which blocks out the wind.
another day...spreading feathers to flame
building up speed when I'm threatened by rain
^dope couplet
most homes disappear and are never regained
others, stand firm and often grow better with pain
it all depends on where you are...
look upon me and my brethren the same
flow free, from this spectrum to space
respected for grace, yet rejected the same
tempest...my temptress enraged
^winds starting to pick up.
this is often where my penance is delayed
a hurricane of emotions often left in her wake
both are one in the same, but different in a way
I often wonder how I been endeavored this way
how I carry such carelessness, not present in strength
a gentle push to help send her away..
^"gentle/push" oxymoron. good one.
it would help, maybe she could center her strain
let go of what often pressures her...brain?
^lose the ... and ? here
I'm better delayed..find something fit..even better to say
because where we go is still a wonder to us
love..calming with touch, but...not often enough
I thought we could keep our ideals & trust
at least til' I know what were shielded from
freedom...containment only bottles us up...
^wind cannot be bottled, or could it?
leaving us stressed, til' we're lost in the rush
we lose each other again, leaving it up to us
To find each other or leave...gone with the gust
^"gone with the gust" ill wording.
pushing us further til we sail off into what's...
often known to the commoners tongue
as separation...but we are so close its not easy
we are one but different...
Alone but not distant
Strange....how our flows throw off our position
^"the flow" your saying was so turbulent it knocked you off coarse, and lost track of what you were writing about. happens
yet bring us back into our own emission
with feelings that are swift..and immensely missing
come to the light, when we dance in our coldest renditions
^swift was choice here, captured some of the schemes and how chaotic wind could be. breezy verse.

patrown
the moon rose high in the sky, it's fullest time
doin eighty in residentials, park. start pulling line.
the same every night and day for the best in the state
but this one felt different, stepping on broken plates
police with drawn weapons keep holding their lines
tellin us to watch out backs inside, faces older then time
we just axed the door and headed straight for the stairs
^good action last two lines there.
feeling invincible to the heavy tasks we shouldered in pairs
til i saw him in a folding chair, toe in the trigger guard
^good imagery.
a little charred but still, i recognized Jacob
saw the can of gas, remember he went bankrupt
putting the past behind, one task in mind, save his family
go through the kitchen, upstairs into a smoky canopy
^"smokey canopy" nice imagery.
take the left. touch the doorknob, twist it and push
^you are an effective action writer.
air feeds the hissing fire, spitting cinders and suit
^nice imagery.
dodging falling timber, we cleared each room
and made it out just before we heard the boom

this was a dense for how short it was.started off super slow but quickened the pace. the first few lines were awkward in a sense they were just badly worded. fix the introduction, and create some windy explosive theme in the first few lines so the pay off has more bang.

mvgt Mr. J

Patrown had the better concept imo but the execution just wasn't nearly enough