[PancakeBrah]

Fuck you both for centering your verse. Shit's dumb as fuck.

Adonis -

Pretty standard story. You mechanics were off in a lot of places to me. One specific example was the comma in "The bliss felt cut fear, out like a knife". Made the flow and idea awkward and I had to reread it a time or two just to get what you were saying. Even then it was just okay. Your rhyming was a bit stilted and dry to me; a lot of it felt like rhyme by numbers. Nothing truly innovative or provocative throughout the verse in terms of rhyming. You had certain lines that I thought were good but for the most part everything seemed standard. The characterization never went beyond surface level and no empathy was created for either character. There was a lack of subtly that I find is necessary when working with a story like this. I will say that

"His eye's flare open... His heart crushed his soles...
His mind crashed and burned; the text being the coals...
Time's stagnant; Lungs strain excessively,
His octave, is bitch made; as he weeps depressingly..."

was a strong point and a section I thoroughly enjoyed. Octave is bitch made was great. There's nothing in this section I would change, but the rest of your verse didn't match up aside from a couple of lines here and there like I said. Solid but unspectacular with a lot of room for improvement. This is like a bareboned outline of a story that could be good with a bit more work, thought, and creativity. Thanks for the read, I look forward to more.

Clutterbuck -

Very nice little ditty about the writing process. This is applicable to any process of through, but focuses on writing specifically. I've mentioned this in another vote, but you used the technique of forgoing supreme technical/rhyming ability for a focus on message and content. Here, it was pulled off with much aplomb. Not to say that your rhymes were weak; they were solid but you're obviously capable of stronger rhyme schemes. You still had some tricks up your sleeve with call back rhymes and a smooth flow that never relented. I enjoy verses like these; sometimes it gets old trying to parse the meaning of some cryptic or vague topical hoping to get the writer's meaning. Here you stated your verse's intent plainly and simply explored it with metaphysical imagery as your engine, not ambiguity. You employed hard single word rhymes with softer rhyming words behind them to create quasi-multi's that really lent this piece a smooth rhythm in my reading. I never got bored here; you simply explored the possible ways of shaping ideas through metaphor and stopped before it became redundant and forced. My only nitpick was the 'a shape that’s ideal and yet brutally honest.' I think you could have excluded either the and or the yet. That's my own personal preference for writing, not a true negative. Well done ol' boy.

Good battle fellas. v/Clutterbuck