Adonis: good story, decent lines.
Some seemed crazy forced:
Quote:
A smile that gleams, pearly whites encompassed in serene,
A face inside of dreams, no body cuz her mind is what we fiend,
Sara's natural elegance is second to her scholastic competence,
Both can choose any college due to academic dominance,
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fave line:
Quote:
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Each score he'd thank god, then blow a kiss to the cheer squad,
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good flow in the guy's text message back, and decent reconnection with the topic.
Clutter: good all around flow
fave lines:
Quote:
it could be so much more given time to perfect it.
- Clean up the corners and find a direction
File at each section that’s rough at the edges
so its lines are connected & done to your credit.
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Quote:
Strip to the core of the subject in essence
exhibit it purely and cut the excesses.
So nothing is left but the principle premise
to sum up the rest and deliver your message.
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maintained a much stronger topical sense, better written, etc.
vote: clutter