Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenland
Luminous eyes grasp Cupid’s ties.
The Muses align spewing clues. It’s time.
>>dense but cool. "spewing was weird word choice"
Horrors push forward on the loose inside my brain.
Confusions supplied. That’s alright, it’ll fade.
It’s time, today is the day your life will change.
>>'It's time' repetition was weak
Her vibrant gaze carries the time away
Through hours spent in a mindless daze
Wondering what I would say,
But I’m shy, not brave so I’m sure I’m hopeless.
I was only lured by the moment. Plus she’s too pure I know it.
Not to mention my vision was too obscured to focus.
No. Don’t make excuses. Face the music.
If you wait, you’ll lose it.
You want this babe to slip away? You stupid?
Muster the courage. I can’t. Fuck I’m nervous.
Don’t be.
This is the cusp of a new lust to flourish. You deserve this.
Now, look at her across the room.
Eye contact and a smile, maybe she’s falling too.
Start to walk closer, but I get lost in her perfume
>>strongest bar
Til I get chills all over. Don’t worry it’s harmless dude.
And finally I reach her and stare in her eyes.
Aware of her surprise, I didn’t wait to choose
To make a move. I just asked her to the dance floor.
Her answer, “Sure.”
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lol, neat piece. two things I didnt like-
-how you broke up your sentences... you always broke it up right between your rhymes, it got pretty stale for me. def the weakest part mechanically, and it was especially noticeable because you rhymed like everything
- tendency to end cool rhymes with simple phrases. like, it's hard to mix up schemes because we all have some words that are easy for us to rhyme that we use more... so when you have unique rhymes and then end it with like "its time" or "____, dude" or "You stupid?" it comes across really, really rookieish
two things i liked:
- any cliches you had fit very well within your story/ didnt seem forced, very natural feel overall to your writing
- appealing tone. hard thing to capture. i wanted to finish/ relate to the character.
Decent piece... looking forward to seeing you back in the swing of things chief.
Also. go feed me and Dead Man's collab a couple pages back (: