Originally Posted by Coup
sup Zen
lot's of interesting snippets and lines here...the opening was a little jarring not because of the mechanics, but rather because (for me) it was a confusing way to open..By 'start deceptions', do you mean "you see", in any sense of the word?
I perceive this piece to be you receiving some rather graphic or even prophetic vision, and you are hashing them out for the reader. If this be true, you are marked somehow by this event or by your memories that they sparked, as you say by 'writtens' and are reacting accordingly...but we the readers were not told by hinting nor by your narration on this...it was open to interpretation, that has some problems within, in this piece you did. I could make up anything to explain what happened and why in this, because nothing is said of it...which if you filled that in would have been a payoff (this can be achieved by taking a different tone, scheme, pattern of flow, or voice to pull on the reader with alliteration, and other devices.)
I lay this all out and ask questions because your detail here in this, in each bar was very micro and up close...each line very specific, ultra specific, which taken as an whole and compared to the rest, confuses a bit as a general rule. Only carefully studying this piece I found out what's up wit it. I think a problem was that in the first 10 lines you have so much location, time, space and action all going against each other, fight to grab attention that all is lost to it, giving this a convoluted feel, and not unified theme...: running themes like Mars, being stitched up, being precise, writing, doing this and that...learning something. Be forgiving, transgression.
That confused me a bit.
I think you brought it in a little bit in the rest of the lines: (compare the last 10 lines to the first and you tell me)
Til I collapse and pray and synapses portray imagery near me
Of lastin praise which last and stays
And which maps away across the paths in the brain
And I master the waves and crack the chains as sparks flew,
And I chart my cruise through the passageways
And I start anew but my hearts confused, Earthly gains, Is it a worthy game?
Its hard to choose with only but bizzare clues,
I can only hope and plead that this isn't what's supposed to be
As serotonin pleas for me to go to sleep,
Rest in peace, I scream into the morning breeze.
see how the bold phrases all match up with eachother in all the lines ? that's great and enjoyable. See the "Jezebel" peice in the OM and notice how it is not so micro and is more telescoped out for understanding...
As for the mechanics, great job there..you ahve a good sense of rhyme and just by reading 4 pieces from you I think I would never mistake a piece by you with another....
and lastly, these aer just my thoughts and I understand that I'm not the best writer or trying to sound it...just have that critic in me.
peace
|