[Certain]

Mr. J: The sloppiness definitely made this verse less palatable than it otherwise would have been. On top of typos, there were rhymes that didn't hit and a lack of punctuation that sometimes convoluted meaning. Beneath the sloppiness was a rather fine character sketch replete with social criticism. The extended single rhyme stretch from "prosperous" through "common spit" was very strong for its social critique and original rhyming. You avoided being too preachy because you were going through the eyes of this character and not really talking about changing the world but instead using his experiences as a lens for what needs changing. The problem with this verse is that it didn't really move. You painted the picture of this man and broke down some of his gripes with the world well, but you failed to progress beyond that. You didn't draw out emotions or form conclusions or create a plot, so the verse felt very much like it was staying in place. Changing up the flow or organizing the verse into delineated stanzas would have allowed for more progression. Using more advanced poetic techniques at times could have heightened the emotional impact of certain sections. But this is very much your style, and I like your style. Clean it up, and it would be one of my favorites from you.

Vividlyvague: This had the feel of an indie flick about soul-searching that's a bit too dramatic and way underexplained but still kind of beautiful and thoughtful and important-feeling. It was vividly vague. It's difficult telling a story this complex in rhymed form, but you left a bunch of plot holes. We never found out why the stripper died or who called police. And the density of the wording did not help. This line really brings out what I'm talking about: "Concieving a lost thought only to be remembered by the evaded trails of arrears." It's overwrought and distracting from an already complicated plot. When you're trying to do as much as you were with your content, these types of lines can be dangerous because you might lose readers. Additionally, that line and several others were so long they really dragged down an otherwise excellent flow. There were times where your rhyming stood out, others when the diction was the highlight and others when the creativity of the content led the way. But you struggled to bring it all together consistently. That's the harsh take. But here's the thing: What you did with this topic was ambitious and left me wanting more despite the length. You went balls-to-the-wall and broke out a lot of different writing techniques. Your sloppiness (there were plenty of typos and a few questionable words) wasn't much of an issue in this battle because Mr. J had so many of the same issues. There was more good than bad here, though, and your ambition won me over.

Vote: Vividlyvague