geno-
nice opening 10 lines...really established yourself in them man, it read relentless and contagious to me. props Br0...the rest read much of the same, unrelenting. good flow through and through. to add some critique I would say that you spent almost the entire space of your written describing who you were, and what you did to be who you are...i think it may have been dope to put the reader in some here and now situation that we are experiencing with the narrator, as it stood we were told a lot, taking his word for it...though how much more would it be to learn with the nigga ? Na mean...not a mark against you, this verse hit hard and I could imagine it to a beat. i think the polished short lines did much
orc - tight poetic opening man that really drew and gave some conditional background to the piece.."silence and rain" I felt that because of the good lines before it set it up well. the following lines seemed to stretch out a bit, you still managed to real them in and the flow was pretty...each contained lots of stuff or issues concerning this man ready to take off with all his "baggage" ...good concept lines like:
our mans pleads that with no past.. there's no gravity - no craft!
no man with his notepad.. forehead crinkled like hands in a soaked bath
all in all the reader was being set up for a nice surprise resolution, to wrap up all the establishing lines and to connect a greater understanding in the world you created, but I felt robbed. i feel the varied and colorful imagery and concepts, all contrasting each other, really watered the impact down from an other wise very well written piece.
v- geno
overall, genos remained a bit more controlled and fluid, just tighter strangle on his topic which was more paitalbe. in terms of mechanism, both had that down on lock....interesting lines to be picked out here:
Geno:
Submerging from this desolate vomit, feathered by hock spit
Locked in, looking like I'm dressed up in toxins
orc:
the dark's blinded with change. making way for the brightness of day
the worlds entirely gray, but one mans thoughts give this writer it's page..
dope...
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