Netcees - View Single Post - Week 3 - Objective (1-0) vs. King Ra. (1-0) - OBJECTIVE WINS 6-3

Clutter Buck · 10-12-2013, 09:17 AM

LOL @ Objective's opener, read like the Fresh Prince theme tune to me as I started it which made me laugh, as it progressed though this got a lot better and reminded me a little of Pent's piece from last season about the assassin. 'super sharp knife' sounded really pout of keeping with the rest of the joint though, just the tone and the sudden switch to something so informal seemed off to me? I dunno, not your greatest hour, I've read better from you, keeping it so short hurt you here too maybe I felt... you could have lengthened it out to develop the character more, gave some idea of how he looked/felt/his emotions, it was all rather vague - but then again I suppose a man of mystery would be? lol. so I shouldn't be too critical here.

King Ra - I haven't seen this name in forever, no doubt you're a good writer, seemed like you're on some Chyeahhhh or Neter steez which is no bad thing, really direct writing style to you which is hard to pull off - but I think you make it work. it sometimes reads a little disjointed to me because of the pauses, the periods, the commas etc and that does affect the flow to the piece, but if I had to have you sacrifice one of the flow or content - I guess the flow would be it, so I cant hold that against you too much. the downside to your style is that its very abstract sounding, and can come off a little pretentious, almost like you're trying too hard and that connect to the reader gets lost amongst everything that's going on - there was a lot you were trying to here in so few lines, I don't think you had the clarity you wanted to really drive home what you wanted in relation to van gogh and the painting, the premise is there - but the execution wasn't complete imho. really tough battle, another where I felt the better writer was infact the one who lost, mainly because the other seemingly put in more effort, was more motivated, and applied themselves more here. take it for what you will, but personally I felt that Objective got this even though King Ra in my mind was the better writer of the two.

10-12-2013, 09:17 AM	#5
Clutter Buck Man or Manatee? Join Date: Sep 2013 Posts: 105 Battle Record: 1-1 Rep Power: 0	LOL @ Objective's opener, read like the Fresh Prince theme tune to me as I started it which made me laugh, as it progressed though this got a lot better and reminded me a little of Pent's piece from last season about the assassin. 'super sharp knife' sounded really pout of keeping with the rest of the joint though, just the tone and the sudden switch to something so informal seemed off to me? I dunno, not your greatest hour, I've read better from you, keeping it so short hurt you here too maybe I felt... you could have lengthened it out to develop the character more, gave some idea of how he looked/felt/his emotions, it was all rather vague - but then again I suppose a man of mystery would be? lol. so I shouldn't be too critical here. King Ra - I haven't seen this name in forever, no doubt you're a good writer, seemed like you're on some Chyeahhhh or Neter steez which is no bad thing, really direct writing style to you which is hard to pull off - but I think you make it work. it sometimes reads a little disjointed to me because of the pauses, the periods, the commas etc and that does affect the flow to the piece, but if I had to have you sacrifice one of the flow or content - I guess the flow would be it, so I cant hold that against you too much. the downside to your style is that its very abstract sounding, and can come off a little pretentious, almost like you're trying too hard and that connect to the reader gets lost amongst everything that's going on - there was a lot you were trying to here in so few lines, I don't think you had the clarity you wanted to really drive home what you wanted in relation to van gogh and the painting, the premise is there - but the execution wasn't complete imho. really tough battle, another where I felt the better writer was infact the one who lost, mainly because the other seemingly put in more effort, was more motivated, and applied themselves more here. take it for what you will, but personally I felt that Objective got this even though King Ra in my mind was the better writer of the two.