Netcees - View Single Post - Week 3 - NYCSPITZ (1-1) vs. Zenland (1-1) - NYCSPITZ WINS 5-4

patrown · 10-12-2013, 07:06 AM

Zenland - clear errors.......

In their necklaces was meshed with a hat and canes,

so far, I think your worried fella might have sharted himself. (a shitty fart)
as far as content goes, this could clearly be the case..
(you can't stop it)
HahAhhAha!!! You're wrong I do exist faggot.
I'm the itch you're scratching, Your niche, Your passions...

Like a violent belch, Or....That might be something else...

anyway,really, i took this as a two sided argument, from one point of view. split personalities. that take would go well with the picture, because of the darker colors framing the characters head and the two people. i very much enjoyed the end assonance here.. just sounded catchy.

Don't you think it's time to rattle the cage to your mind a rest
Cause we've battled for days in mental limbo with each sigh of breath,
Well thats about to change! Now we'll live by the pistol and side with Death!!

? a split personality shitting himself. i truly think your talent as a writer IS shown here.but it needs some work. you're too all over the place to say anything but: keep doing what you're doing but spend more time doing it. please.

-points for coherence, +points for creativity

NYC SPITZ- You carried assonance through an entire piece, except for two lines. ookay? overly ambitious with the rhymes. imo, you knew you'd take it by adhering to any single theme. which you did. yet, it's very ambiguous. . but not overly so. the same theme is present throughout. a somewhat accepting, observational tone that bounces around here and there but makes some good statements in the process.
especially enjoyed this line. very much.

lose the line between reality, being lucid in dreams.

from what i understand, you weren't as pointed as you were adherent to a basic scheme of macro to micro. but you worded it extremely clever.ly.

/nyc spitz for more coherence. although i couldn't detect a storyline, character, or ... true point.. i voted for a more solid, detectable theme. which also happened to be the read i enjoyed more b/c of fluidity.

good match.

10-12-2013, 07:06 AM	#7
patrown ‹^›ô¿ô‹^› Join Date: Feb 2013 Posts: 596 Battle Record: 13-19 Rep Power: 0	Zenland - clear errors....... In their necklaces was* meshed with a hat and canes,* so far, I think your worried fella might have sharted himself. (a shitty fart) as far as content goes, this could clearly be the case.. (you can't stop it) HahAhhAha!!! You're wrong I do exist faggot. I'm the itch you're scratching, Your niche, Your passions... Like a violent belch, Or....That might be something else... anyway,really, i took this as a two sided argument, from one point of view. split personalities. that take would go well with the picture, because of the darker colors framing the characters head and the two people. i very much enjoyed the end assonance here.. just sounded catchy. Don't you think it's time to rattle the cage to your mind a rest Cause we've battled for days in mental limbo with each sigh of breath, Well thats about to change! Now we'll live by the pistol and side with Death!! ? a split personality shitting himself. i truly think your talent as a writer IS shown here.but it needs some work. you're too all over the place to say anything but: keep doing what you're doing but spend more time doing it. please. -points for coherence, +points for creativity NYC SPITZ- You carried assonance through an entire piece, except for two lines. ookay? overly ambitious with the rhymes. imo, you knew you'd take it by adhering to any single theme. which you did. yet, it's very ambiguous. . but not overly so. the same theme is present throughout. a somewhat accepting, observational tone that bounces around here and there but makes some good statements in the process. especially enjoyed this line. very much. lose the line between reality, being lucid in dreams. from what i understand, you weren't as pointed as you were adherent to a basic scheme of macro to micro. but you worded it extremely clever.ly. /nyc spitz for more coherence. although i couldn't detect a storyline, character, or ... true point.. i voted for a more solid, detectable theme. which also happened to be the read i enjoyed more b/c of fluidity. good match. Last edited by patrown; 10-12-2013 at 07:10 AM.