Inno-
hmmm, I'm mixed about this verse for a few reasons. on the one hand this was one of the more easy to read verses in terms of keeping the concept simple and pacing it with a supporing flow (you and Mic W). The flow did not really stand out, it was just there hanging out doing it's job to move this piece along...which is fine if you have a deeper, more mature written voice. I felt this was a basic outline to draft a more comprehensive written biased on what you gave us here: a family moving from the east to the west and what they found when they got here...
your pic screams that and you listened to it...you should have made it yours. because we all heard this tale before.
I felt each stanza was complete, the whole thing complete, just barren and a bit malnourished. most the concepts you gave are really the staple of this genera and you could have added more flavor and unknowns so that use the reader would be more "entertained' What revelations did your characters have, how did they change to the situation, how did the surive...What happened to them..etc...(just ideas..)
now, it's a given the easier and more fluid a piece reads and is absorbed really shows skill in writing...it's like making it look easy and I suspect that's the case here. It's so easy and simple that it probably was much difficult in the case in actually writing to make it look that way....good job there. I admire your simplicity and relativity in writing...something I need to pay attention too and learn.
rwan:
you gave this women (obv. the statue) the living breathing characteristics and the voice of millions of people, which is good because that is exactly what she represents 'supposedly ' (key word) good abstract verse into a tangible thing we all know and have known...creative lines and not too long or short...for what you wanted to do.
not much to say. good cookie cut verse with a personal signature. suprised at this. keep it up br0
while both were good and complete, I go for the higher caibur in this. good drop. Much to learn from both textees here.
v-rawn
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