well. you told your story. with a fairly convincing voice which rarely broke out of character... really not fond of that discarded furniture simile. fundamentals are sound, you have a good idea of what does and does not work rhythmically... your writing is cohesive, for the most part, linear too. progressive -- in this story driven format, if only at an ambling pace. imagery's palpable.
i didn't really enjoy it very much, and i stress that isn't (entirely) a gauge of you as a writer. it's the format. i assume this was written for a league? you decided to not experiment with your rhyme scheme? you felt, by and large, AABB was the way to go? to placate the readers? to make it consumable? lest their confusion consume them? you had somewhat pre-defined plot points to place? they were guide stones to anchor your piece and the rest wriggled between until it fit snugly.
to call it banal is unfair. to say predictable means i saw what was coming. i suppose i didn't. but i did. at no point did the writing really give me something to think twice about. something i didn't expect. something to stimulate? do i ask for too much? or am i just generally stating why i disliked this [sort of] template.
your craft is solid.
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