"
With your permission, my first words will simply be: “Marry Me”,
As your locked eyes grant request I stand carelessly,
The moment of truth, as soon as I get my first whiff of perfume,
She passes me...And greets a different loser, who sits in this room. "
I like the broken up syllables not so internally. Also the repetitive rhyme structure within stanzas helped keep the reader on track.
I suggest performing a bit more forward rather than have the stanza ending speak for the entire predicate/subject. It makes it that much more alluring.
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