[dead man]

zenland - i'm looking at your work as part of a series. it felt jagged and maybe even incomplete as it stands. i think it works, as what youre trying to describe is not a smooth type of experience and you have characterized it not only with what youre writing but how youve written it. you sent me a PM claiming that it seems that nobody is understanding the work but i have not been able to unearth a deeper structure than an enlightening hallucinogenic experience. life flashing before your eyes. to witness the planet created. it all seemed a tad cliche.

the picture crossed with your interpretation on it screams "out of body experience". i have a feeling this is the concept you ran with.

i was not a fan of the rhymes you chose to use in some spots. flattened him in, beam of flight, sea of light repetition started to cramp up very quickly. it turned me off to the piece in places because of this.

rawn - i too enjoyed the id theft as an interpretation for the pic. its truly something i would not have thought of myself and i can appreciate that. i think your execution in terms of rhyme and rhythmics was acceptable but not stellar. the ending with the father was also something i did not see coming and added a sense of re-readability to the verse. apologizing for the brief breakthrough but i am pressured for time.

i will be voting for rawn md.


thanks guys.