Atheist:
In need of guidance, the world sleeps, engulfed in silence
As they tread the crisp suface beneath, glistening like diamonds
Very nice intro, I enjoyed the flow and wordchoice as well as the meta's. Cool intro.
Beneath the mask, frozen eyelids, obscureing eyes with confusion
Limited movement, driven forward by instinct, last of the humans
A trio of crewman, bound together in a world of debris & decay
I didn't very much like this though it summed the story up and was good for plot recognition.
Alone & afraid, breathing toxins from the remains paving the way
Remnants of the great war, foretold scenes, consequences disastrous
As the self distructive nature grew prominance, mankind were the masters
Looters, petty theft, nations at loggerheads with nuclear threats
Like a game of chess, pieces were in motion until the button was pressed
The death of progress, the earth regressed, welcome to the nuclear winter
Im bummed out you didn't get to finish, this looked like it was shaping to be a fun read..
patrown:
the mans steps are traced by our brothers in arms,
men carry his burden staying numb to alarm,
staring in wonder at skylines as they crumble.
men succumbing to the times, forever humbled,
Very prophilic and attentive to emotion; I love the skylines crumbling line thats the shit I want to see more of.
by our own creations that had patiently slept.
until the day came we prayed would stay away from our nests.
those alive wished they'd died, radiating regret,
skin bubbled from cheeks, falling chunks of flesh.
I didn't like this as much as the intro until I saw how graphic you could be with what little descriptions you used on the skin deterioration aspect. More of this.
blackened eyes became blind to violent scenes of death,
unseen behind masks screening poisons from their breath,
only living as servants to the badge worn on his chest.
I feel like your leaving something out here, the badge thing felt unnecessary unless im missing a plot or metaphor.
our mother drowns its deformed children in after birth,
a little boy's bubble that didn't have to burst.
leaders stay clear of the wars path and stay unhurt,
in bunkers built by our taxes on the backs of the serfs,
cursed to the darkness, skies filled with the ashes of Earth.
Absolutely love the closer; it sums up the verse and describes the aftermath in little context that makes you want more but like, makes you resrain from actually asking for it.
Work on your climax, characters and 5 senses of description.
I enjoyed both pieces and wish I could have seen more then 1 verse from both parties. my vote is going to patrown for having a completed piece with more emphasis and well thought out timeline. as in "Intro-Outro"
V/ @patrown