I've been sitting on this for a while because it's a tough piece to fully grasp.
Quote:
Love's best a past tense romance. Remember that.
Any ember fanned expands dreadfully; potential to entrance;
Damned.
|
I really liked what you did with bits of assonance here. The long vowels over and over again set a tone. I understand what you were going for, meaning-wise, but the wording wasn't as crisp as it could have been, and the metaphorical imagery felt a bit one-off on the "ember" line. You never went back to it, so it because it's own thing, a half-life image that had the potential to be more.
Quote:
A collapse as elegant as ever, scrap the leavening,
enhancing reverie like youth face against a window pane.
Vindicate your instincts. Stay in sync with the cyclic trite-ness.
Her shimmering vibrance. Its guidance reaching at horizons.
(we'll sail to no avail).
|
This part also had some cool sounds and good words. "Leavening" and "reverie" were nice slant-rhymes. But your two end rhymes didn't work as well. And again, the wording was a bit off, particularly "like youth face against a window pane." There are a few really strong beginnings to metaphors that never come full circle.
Quote:
Such is life, a visceral vice grip.
Siphon substance from the Midas touch to ink wells.
Write a phrase. Scrap it, there's a devil in the details.
Better yet, split the hands webbings with epistles edge,
spread the fingers open, let them peel down the wrist in red.
|
Here's where the verse felt most focused on writing. Suddenly she became the words. But you missed the opportunity to draw the connection stronger by dropping the feminine wording. "Write a phrase. Scrap it, there's a devil in the details" is the best line of the verse.
Quote:
Never bring her hell until it settles back to embers men.
repeat
|
I didn't like this finish because it felt disconnected from the five lines quoted above. Again, you ditched the female imagery for a bit, wrote the strongest section of the verse and came back to the female imagery to close it. But at this point, it didn't make sense any more. Also, I'm not sure what "embers men" means.
This verse was interesting but sort of all over the place, which itself is interesting because it's so short. I like the attempt to go deeper, but streamlining abstractions (as paradoxical and oxymoronic as that sounds) is important in writing coherently.