I dont mean to sound pretentious but
I would rewrite the second verse and possibly parts of the first.
The flow in the last stanza was awful with all the pausing and everything. It was a little bit more of a scatter thoughted verse as opposed to the first. Also the second couplet in the very first stanza felt out of place.
Overall I like the concept and a lot of the internal concepts but I feel you shouls use this as a first Draft more than anything. And fix the flow in a few spots
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