Thanks for the assessment Pancake. I actually agree with all of your points. They all are true as analytical as they are, besides every comment you made about it being "generic" and "corny". Just understand that it was meant to be generic and "corny" if you will. As you stated, Im so incredibly used to writing towards something that would be rapped on a record opposed to something read on a lyricist forum, so yes I agree, in the perspective of a reader instead of a listener it seems very bland, mechanically downright unstable, and just plain boring.
But when generic and simple is applied to audio the right way, its the greatest way to force emotion of any kind in to the listener. The crazy aspect of this flip, is that I guarantee if I were to spit this in the right emotional tone, I could get someone to either cry, or get angry. Generic lines and corny simple expressionalisms under the right tone does that to listeners Ive discovered years back. so in my opinion, if I were to rap this, it wouldnt be AMAZING but it wouldnt be garbage either.
But yeah, I agree....I'd give it a D in the eyes of a reader on a forum.
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