Thread: COSMIC WAR 4555
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Old 09-07-2013, 01:41 AM   #6
Certain
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I don't think the issue here that made things choppy was about consecutive rhyming words as much as syllable stresses. They're related, of course, but I think it's possible to go heavy on consecutive rhymes if the stressed syllables aren't so prominent and consecutive.

I liked this stretch most because I think it showed the style you were going for in a more executable format than some of the parts immediately preceding or succeeding it:

Quote:
The future, the portal, the keys to the court of the Immortal, hit like the arms of Goro, sing psalms that burrow Through ya Bureau’s borough thorough and hung like a burro. Hurdle the curves with fertile slurs, reversal, murder dispersal, and Versatile words of war surged, the immersal of every forlorn morsel Divorced from the source of poor worth and forceful
This was mostly impressive for its degree of difficulty, as though not everything worked, it mostly made sense on the micro perspective and occasionally came together (as with the aforementioned section) in the bigger picture. Nothing really caught my eye as far as content or witty lines, but the rhyme scheme was impressive enough to make clear that wasn't the emphasis.
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