Quote:
Originally Posted by Matriarch
from fodder to king of the hill, the distance is clear,
as problems mount. darkest clouds ~ vision impaired
>like the imagery here. impending doom enveloping all. Strong battle of Bunker
> Hill allusion? I usually use "fodder" to imply carelessness/ detachment.
pompous route span beyond a doubt. Seasonal glare
fisticuffs against the winter months breathing affair
>fantastic line.
seeking butterscotch scent. a lock of her hair..
recall that posthumous caustic touch. Silent despair.
>"caustic" seemed like an apt description but maybe a bit trite.. maybe a good place
>to show instead of tell
His smile. Her tears. Behind the veneer,
>nice juxtaposition
reside a faintest bit of purpose.
tainted. bitter. circulating riot. We share
the simple science of fear ~ tired and intricate
limelight: victim of hightime stimulants
my time’s contingent on constituency
picture this scene. Baudelaire, picket fence, kids with disease
conspicuous design - i seek to find what’s true
lex talionis ~ I’d give an eye for an “I love you..”
It’s spite! It’s crude. Defiant. Rude.
Warfare. Scar bear. Violent tune.
Fighting for truth. Pious proof.
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The end was a bit much for me
This was a pretty good piece harMonica. by the end you definitely were picking up rhyming/ knocking off the rust again. The bolded parts were my favorites. I think your style could work well with less harshly divided phrases and more natural sentence structure, you seem to rhyme around pauses in a unique and andvanced way and it would serve you well to exploit that.
as far as meaning goes.. I dunno some what some key points are. I dunno who Baudelaire is. Or lex talionis. Seems kinda cheap to Google but who was context clues?
It sounded like lamenting the inevitable... The Futile-esque. If you're familiar. "The simple science of fear" feels to me like a basic human trait... Genetically passed down even, very Victorian- Dystopian, overall. Like you took AP Lit and actually read all those dum passages.
This was less personally involved than some of your other pieces but it was good to see you writing, not bad especially for a freewrite. Keep keyin b