I liked that this piece told a story through a metaphor, never loosening from either. The rhymes were the strongest part, but the phrasing was really cool in some parts, too.
Quote:
'cause I'm never worried when it's likely to end
I live my life on the edge at break neck speed
'til above my grave text reads - 'He was as wild as they get'
|
The double-rhyme scheme and the idea of a headstone saying that came across well. But more importantly, you moved away from the cliché quickly after that line.
Better diction would have helped in a few places, particularly with the very weak opening line, but I thought the simplicity also carried with it some of the vibe of drunkenness.