[PancakeBrah]

The fact you didn't label or signify who wrote which verse was a nice touch in terms of the collaboration. If you're familiar with the writing styles of each writer you can tell, but it's a nice little trick.

"I've been uninspired, forcing smiles through my grinding teeth.
There's a set of empty pill bottles trying to find some sleep.
But I'll keep shaking, prying tops off with a drooling hydrant lockjaw,
and the only cure: to get my rocks off and into my grimy sock drawer."

I relate to this. I'm listening to Bound 2. Good song. The idea of resorting to pills or forcing smiles is played in the macro sense, but the way you worded this made it work for me. Maybe I'm just relating to it too much and giving too much credit, but I thought this section was worded crisply, minus the unnecessary 'and'. 'Drooling hydrant lockjaw' and 'grimy sock draw' was fun. The first bar > the second bar, but I liked both. I did not like the ender for the first verse, because it had the age old idea without the unique wording. Didn't do much for me.

"I be in town every weekend, I’m way too lazy for hot springs
And just lounge in the evenings, ’cause chasing ladies’ exhausting
I aim to fake I’m belonging but it’s surely mere jokes
And ain’t the same with the parties cause I’m thirty years old
And now that I’m the boss I don’t want no changes so..
How can I be lost when I got no place to go?"

Lovely. Sometimes I have to reread your rhymes to catch the length of the multi. I just assume they're standard, but they're never. Too lazy for hot springs, thirty years old, and the wording of the last couplet. All highlights.

"And I haven't gone anywhere; my life's in stasis.
My time is wasted. Spineless. Basic. Blind to faces.
These blurred lines can shapeshift."

The last line of this made it all click. I enjoyed the stunted growth from the punctuation leading into a creative thought. Stream of conscious relation to a feeling, to a blunt combination of phrasing that really worked. You seem to lose steam after starting strong, though. So far in this you built up an emotional/real life basis for you verses, and the football/sport metaphor seemed a bit garish, and the last line lacked oomph. I have the same problem sometimes, I'll write a "simple" line thinking it's simplicity and message is enough, and that a reader will ruminate on it and think it's worthwhile. Like, the classics are the classics. But I don't think it works in the end, usually.

"And the fear of being bored is what always makes me quit."

Best line of the last verse. Wasn't a huge fan of this section, although I enjoyed the rhymes and maybe the 'pier after' line has this dusk in the Summer imagery that I'm not giving enough credit for. I preferred your first verse.


I liked reading this, and will probably read through it again. It was a little uneven, but it had a good momentum. The quality of the writer's shone through even if I've liked other drops from each of you more. Good contribution.