Quote:
Life's just a game, well it was for one of us
The rest of me suffered with my knife in the cain.
Shit my wife went insane when i lost control
Dug my own grave somehow I crossed that hole.
31 personalities complexity multiplied,
1 was having fun while the rest of me almost died.
I lost alot of friends I repeat, PLENTY died,
I was having heart an liver failure but I'm only 25!
Picked up a couple percs while I was coping with coke,
Numb, poking my throat, dying, chokin hope.
Each day I'm gettin by it, slowly recovering
Still suffering with anti-psychotics just eating away.
My brains got more holes than 3 pounds of Swiss cheese,
So when all 31 of me die nobody will be left to miss me.
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What I quoted above would have been a pretty strong drop. The first half of the verse was just too overt and goofy. It felt fradulent. If you're going with something like a multiple-personalities disorder as your subject, go all in, though. Create an actual backdrop for your character. Give each of his personalities some distinction. Use specific examples of how his life has been affected. Be more direct with both the emotional appeal and the humor.
This felt like netcee psycopathy 101. The rhymes and flow were OK, and there were a few good lines. But the exposition was too long, and the interesting parts were buried and not really expanded on properly. Tell us more about the heart and liver failure. Give us a few more punchlines. Do something to make the verse more memorable.
There's nothing inherently wrong with the verse, but it needs more development. And the first thing I would do is to cut the final couplet, which really put a sour taste in my mouth, especially after you had such a perfect closing line.