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Vulgar · 08-21-2013, 09:08 PM

@Nigma this was sick. I feel like your wording is 90% there, then you will really be firing on all cylinders. Personal opinions on your progression aside, you performed hella good here. I'll quote what I liked..

I close my eyes imagining a photo of the planet
spinning, no control of travel on the globe of our inhabitance
I channel in on fractions of the matter that fufills our needs
The spectacle of mesophyll perfected in acrylic green
The vessels like plastocyanin evoked within your will to breathe
The leaves are pointing to the distant wisdom of the crimson beams
^Powerful way to open. Heavy handed storytelling. Last line was very creative.

It's a scene of shock and awe, it's such serene deposit, green and aqua
Sheet of rock beneath the fauna, even under deepest waters
Seen beyond the edges of the reaches, leavings hesitant
Each palm extending endlessly, terrestrial appendages
^Your syllable count was notably on point throughout this piece, no doubt as a result from your meticulous attention towards pacing.

Turbulence a testament that swirls on connecting as a merger to a nebula
It's blurring what's ahead of us...
Separate the vapor gate and pave the cosmic bed of dust
I cannot touch the hydrogen so wisely tread on, head of lust
^Wasn't feeling the last line of this segment. The rest was fresh.

Subtract the lack of mor-tality
As the spores adorn happily and form a dwarf galaxy
My past beliefs irrelevant and seldom seen, pathetic now
I then ascend forever till I enter the magnetic cloud
^Butter.

You are doing well, jedi. Keep doing you.

08-21-2013, 09:08 PM	#7
Vulgar Razor-thin derision Join Date: Jan 2013 Posts: 4,422 Battle Record: 40-25 Accomplishments - OM HOF Champed - Fight Night LIV - Gimmick Battle League (2x) - Write Week II - Art of Writing League - Storytelling And Topical Invitational Tournament - STI - Haiku Writer Challenge - GWL Picture Challenge(2x) Rep Power: 49604320	@Nigma this was sick. I feel like your wording is 90% there, then you will really be firing on all cylinders. Personal opinions on your progression aside, you performed hella good here. I'll quote what I liked.. I close my eyes imagining a photo of the planet spinning, no control of travel on the globe of our inhabitance I channel in on fractions of the matter that fufills our needs The spectacle of mesophyll perfected in acrylic green The vessels like plastocyanin evoked within your will to breathe The leaves are pointing to the distant wisdom of the crimson beams ^Powerful way to open. Heavy handed storytelling. Last line was very creative. It's a scene of shock and awe, it's such serene deposit, green and aqua Sheet of rock beneath the fauna, even under deepest waters Seen beyond the edges of the reaches, leavings hesitant Each palm extending endlessly, terrestrial appendages ^Your syllable count was notably on point throughout this piece, no doubt as a result from your meticulous attention towards pacing. Turbulence a testament that swirls on connecting as a merger to a nebula It's blurring what's ahead of us... Separate the vapor gate and pave the cosmic bed of dust I cannot touch the hydrogen so wisely tread on, head of lust ^Wasn't feeling the last line of this segment. The rest was fresh. Subtract the lack of mor-tality As the spores adorn happily and form a dwarf galaxy My past beliefs irrelevant and seldom seen, pathetic now I then ascend forever till I enter the magnetic cloud ^Butter. You are doing well, jedi. Keep doing you.